ask ashley

Being a teenager is tough. So we dared you to send us your deepest, most complex, most personal problems and had our resident Agony Aunt, Ashley, answer them. She came up with tons of good advice, so here it is!

Dear Ashley,
My parents just won't stop nagging me! Everything I do, my clothes, my friends, my hobbies... they don't approve of anything. And I'm not half as bad as a lot of other girls out there ? I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't even wear halters or spaghettis. I'm fifteen years old and I think I'm old enough to wear faded jeans and listen to rock music. Why can't they just leave me alone?
Frustrated Daughter

Dear Frustrated,
What your parents need is a reality check. They probably don't realize how much things have changed since their times and so can't accept what you're like. Talk to them about it, tell them how you feel; maybe they don't realize that they're nagging you. And maybe you're taking things just a little too seriously; it's an age-old phenomenon for parents to dislike their children growing up and they're probably going through the same thing. So talk to them and point out your virtues. And, remember, they're not the enemy.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I've been invited to this party and I really want to go, but I know there'll be alcohol served and I strongly disapprove of it. Still, I don't want to go there and stand out while everyone's getting drunk, and I don't want to let my friend down. What should I do?
Bewildered Soul

Dear Bewildered,
I have only one piece of advice for you- find new friends. You're right, you can't go there and stand out while everyone's getting drunk, so don't go. It's all very well to say that you have strong opinions about something, but if you really do, you will take a stand. Tell your friend that you're not coming and tell him/her why you're not coming. If he/she can't respect your views, it's just not worth it.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I'm in a terrible state. I just got my term report and it was pathetic. I feel like I can't do anything right. My grades have been steadily going down since last term. All my friends have been doing much better than me and I feel so ashamed when I hang out with them, so I eat lunch alone in school and I don't answer their calls. I know my parents are disappointed in me and they always look grave when they look at me. I'm such a failure. I have no idea what to do.
Pathetic Loser

Dear Loser,
Get a grip! You are not actually a loser; you've made yourself one with all your self-pity and lethargy. It's no use constantly thinking to yourself that you're a loser, a good-for-nothing; if it bothers you so much, do something about it. Get up and work. Study hard. And instead of avoiding your friends, ask for their help. Otherwise, things will just keep getting worse.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I hang out with this group of people, most of whom are my friends, in school, and they're all pretty nice. However, there is this one girl whom I find very dominating and bossy and I just don't like it. She's always dictating what we do, where we go, what we eat... everything. Whenever anyone tries to stand up to her, she always pretends to be really hurt and shocked. She totally breaks down and everyone feels sorry for her, so we let it go. But I don't think it's fair at all and I want to do something about it. The problem is, what?
Troubled Waters

Dear Troubled,
There is a girl like her in almost every school and I can just imagine what she's like. The only way to deal with her is to do it subtly. Don't confront her directly; the next time she tries to dictate where you're all going, for example, and you don't agree with her, state your views and stand by your decision. Be firm, but polite. If the rest agree with you, there's really nothing she can do and if you keep doing this and ask your other friends to, too, it's very likely she'll mend her dominating ways. If you're outvoted, however, then you have no choice but to follow through with what the group has decided, unless you're willing to hang out with another group or different friends. You should never limit yourself to only a few people, because then you always have to go with what the majority decides, which may not be what you want, and you might not get along with everyone.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
My best friend used to be completely close to me but now she's totally drifting away. We used to like all the same things and tell each other everything, but now it seems like I don't know her at all. She hangs out with the same popular group that we always laughed at and I feel completely neglected. I don't want to confront her because I'm afraid of a showdown but I don't want to just forget about it either because I really care about her. Please help me!
Feeling Neglected

Dear Neglected,
I can understand your concern, but your friend might not even be aware that you are feeling neglected. The only thing you can do is talk to her about it, calmly and maturely. Tell her how you feel, but also listen to her point of view. If she makes it clear that she doesn't want to be friends, you'll just have to let go. Friendship cannot be forced? it's a mutual desire between two people and it can never work one-way. It may be hard, but, sometimes, when it's over, it's just over.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I'm an Indian girl and I recently shifted to another country. I was really looking forward to it, but I've found that, in my new school, the people I study with are real racists? I mean, there's this one girl who goes, "I don't like dark people." I'm finding it really tough to adjust. I used to be a cheerful, confident girl, but now I'm losing all my self-esteem. I really need help.
(Used-To-Be) Proud Indian

Dear Proud,
It always amazes me how the world can call itself modern and advanced when such backward notions like racism still exist. It's been fought so many times, but it always rises up again because people need to hang on to some form of security, some way to prove they're better than everyone else. Your classmates are just insecure and, having been taught by their parents and circumstances that it's okay, they transfer their insecurities to you through racism. You can't really change their minds, but if they do something drastic, you must report it to the authorities. And you should always be proud of who you are, no matter what.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
My best friend and I have known each other for the past six years, since we were ten. We've literally grown up together, since we live next door to each other, and we are the closest friends in the world. However, a few months ago she started going out with my brother, who is two years older than us. That was weird enough, but now, they've broken up and she's completely heartbroken. She doesn't come over anymore, she hardly talks to me on the phone and we've totally grown apart. I miss her and I feel bad, 'cause this whole thing wasn't my fault at all. Why won't she talk to me? I want my old friend back. What should I do?
Missing You

Dear Missing,
You said it yourself! She's heartbroken! It's going to take her time to get over it and put the past behind herself and the both of you, as well. It may not seem like such a big deal to you, since he is your brother, but to her, it's major. She doesn't want to come to your house because she's afraid she might run into him or something, so take her out. Go for a movie, hang around the mall, and, pretty soon, she'll snap out of it.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
I like this guy and I know he likes me, too, but I'm in high school and he's already in the second year of college. I don't mind that, but he says he can't go out with me because I'm much younger than him and he'll feel like he's taking advantage of me. That's pretty silly, I think, since it won't be against my will or anything, but he just doesn't agree. I really like him and want to go out with him. What should I do?
Love Me

Dear Love,
Ah, I can just imagine what you're going through. Unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it. He's obviously a really great guy and he's quite correct in what he says. You are both very young and perhaps this is not the time for the two of you. I know it will be difficult, but, for the time being at least, you have to just forget about him. Find a nice guy your age and enjoy yourself.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
My parents are divorced and I have two families since both my parents have remarried. Now, with Christmas coming up, I really want to spend time with both of them but I don't see how I can do it. I'm an only child and I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm very confused.
Split Wide Open

Dear Split,
Many times, divorce is toughest for the children. I can understand how you feel. You love them both and you don't want to take sides. It seems to me like it's not just Christmas that bothers you; you're generally upset with the whole situation. Talk to your parents about it; sit them down and have a long, honest discussion. Tell them how you feel and I'm sure they'll understand. They're really the ones to help you with this dilemma. However, aside from this, I think you need to spend equal amounts of time with both of them, throughout the year. Go for movies, plays, concerts... then you won't feel so upset about an occasion like Christmas. But talking to them is the most important and urgent thing to do. Speak up.
Ashley

Dear Ashley,
This may sound like a trivial problem but it's really irritating. My friends keep on taking my stuff without asking. I don't mind them doing it once in a while but this is like almost everyday. I like my friends a lot and I don't mind doing stuff for them but they should think of me as well. I never get to eat anything because they take all my food. I've tried talking to them but they either don't listen or they don't take me seriously. It's driving me mad! What should I do?
Empty Handed

Dear Empty,
These people don't sound like your friends at all! If they don't care enough about you to even check out if you've had something to eat, you seriously need new friends. Try talking to them again. If they don't listen to you, dump them!
Ashley